You spend all that time being pissed off with someone so you're not going to just "let go" that easily, sometimes we're just too stubborn to let something go....  Is moving past the anger a show of weakness or strength?  My answer is strength but try telling that to the stubborn gene inside of me!  

Why hold your hand on a hot stove?" You know it hurts so why keep doing it?  

Some things are what we would class as unforgivable eg; sleeping with your best friend's girl/guy but why get hurt twice?  I'm not saying to be friends with them again or even forgive them for that matter but holding a grudge is only going to slow you down.  And pfft what would they care anyways, they stole your partner in the first place so I highly doubt they care what you think!!  

At the ridiculous end of the grudge scale you have your grudges that travel through countless generations, eg; He stole some hay from my farm back in 1788 and now no one in the family is allowed to have anything to do with their family...  200 plus years later and the feud is still going strong!!  I have seen Oprah programs where people forgive murderers for gods sake.  

So let's weigh up the grudge and the chain reaction that follows - initial event that pissed you off - anger, revenge, avoidance....  None of which is productive, anger never results in a smile, only cries.  So do yourself a favour and refocus all of that energy you put into being pissed off into something positive for yourself :)

Well hey there, long time no personal blog.  I guess I've been hiding behind my opinions instead of updating my mundane existance, nah well not really mundane because I do feel like there is a purpose to my existance :)

How easy have guys got it...  They can bump into one of their mates down the street and just do the polite nodding gesture, no words need to be spoken and the nod of the head says it all, hey there mate good to see you!!    Craig went to the supermarket the other day and bumped into the male half of the couple that we were friends with for a while...

They both ignored eachother......  I suppose I took that ignorance as "don't talk to us"  but now tonight after talking to the female half of the couple I've discovered men can sometimes be bitchier than us chicks!!

Instead of calling her the "female half of the couple"  how about I give her a name, I get the feeling I may be talking about "Simmer" a little more often...

I think Craig needs to and Simmer's guy also needs to stop thinking too far into things and just let girls be girls :)

Females can forget all about what sex-loving Germaine Greer promised us in the '60s because there's no way women can sleep with a guy without bonding, since women "are vessels and ... we seek to be filled".  It validates us as women and also sexual creatures if a man wants to keep the relationship going

I remember in my own experiences I drummed it into my head that no matter how sexy or a great catch he was I was not going to attach myself, I was going to sit back, relax and go with the flow!  Pfft yeah right.  Not sleeping with a guy on the first date is hard enough for me to conquer let alone not attaching myself when I do....

 We try and convince ourselves that it isn't so, we're grown women and we can handle a fling surely but sex will always leave us feeling empty unless we are certain that we are loved and that the act of sex is part of a bigger picture that we are loved for our whole selves and not just our bodies".

Thanks to the increasingly small number of single guys in the world - "they're all gay or taken" - girls are no longer lusting after what we once did:  Commitment and a proposal.

"Instead, they're happy to be one of three being played by a guy, and know that there are so many chicks out there and not that many blokes, that they need to take what they can get." Huh? 

I believe while on the outside some women might say they're happy in their booty call relationships but what are they really thinking when they're home alone on a Friday night while their stud is off trying to bed your best friend!

My god there are super serious superficial fucking bitches in this world - Ouch but I guess you get the idea that I'm a little ticked off....  

I tried a little bit of what you could call a social experiment of sorts...  Created a brand new profile for Craig and myself on a rival adult site to what we're a member of,  instead of displaying face pics of us I thought why not display something mysterious but inviting and see if we get any responses.....  

Well wouldn't you know it but half of the female contacts we received were from women who had previously flat out said that they weren't interested... 

I'm sure no one is ever going to actually admit that they were intimated by my photo's but I guess they don't have to really do they, lol.  

Our profile without face pics states the same thing as the profile with the mysterious photo so why the hell are people so god damned superficial!  

Good looks can't hold a conversation, perfect bodies can't talk either so why do looks play such a big part in friendships??

Why is it that the harder we try to forget something, the more it is that we think of it!  

I tend to live my life a little along the lines of hmmm maybe if I just don't mention it or try really really hard to forget it maybe it will all go away....  It's a novel concept but unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that.....  

Last Tuesday I was supposed to appear in court for that stupid charge that has been hanging over my head for what seems like forever - Harassing someone via a text message. 

For weeks before my actual court date I stressed out daily knowing that I had to organise legal aid so this crap could be over and done with but every day I'd brush it aside and say "nah I'll do it tomorrow"  

I can't even put it into words properly but the thought of leaving the house to be lectured by some rude legal aid lawyer makes me feel physically sick!    I refuse to even see what the big deal was in the first place and I'm still convinced that this silly bitch making my life hell is blowing half of the local police population. 

One single harassing text message and I get brought up on charges, pffft!   Well anyways I didn't go to court and knock on wood because I haven't heard from the police.... yet...  I highly doubt that they'll forget about it for very long but the longer they do the better I will feel!!

If I could just stop crying for a few minutes I'd be able to put my thoughts into some kind of perspective and work through this shit I'm feeling right now.  

Remember when we were little and the rules were "I wasn't invited to your party so now you're not invited to mine"  Well Craig seems to still live by those rules...  I was forgotten about this Valentine's Day and it was because I didn't get Craig anything last year...   

I have a really bad anxiety problem and it wasn't like I went to a thousand different stores and just chose not to get him a present, I was trapped here inside this prison!  

Now just by me simply saying to him I feel a little forgotten about world war four has broken out...  Big deal no Valentine's Day present I'll get over it but it's going to take longer to get over what he screams at me while "defending" himself.  

I've also been crying out for some sexual attention for a few days now, apparently Craig has as well but he chooses to satisfy himself rather than bothering me and just fills me in on the details to hurt me after the fact.....  

Everything is just going to pieces and we treat eachother like worst enemies.  

With my hand/arm being broken and in plaster it's so hard to do "normal" things for myself such as showering, preparing food etc and approaching "bad mood boy"  is not really an option at the moment - These are the times where I wish I had my mum in the same state at least!!

Secret life of us

  We dare to dream, believe, acheive, receive
Our lives we evaluate, contemplate, recreate
Endlessly seeking validation, destination, admiration, expectation
Using our imaginations, Succombing to lifes' sweet temptations
Surrounded with lies, disguise, your demise, no surprise.

Wake up call

  Music floods the speakers,
soft lighting dims the room.
A bourbon bottle lazes the table,
my pyjama's become my costume.

I pretend that I'm happy,
I force a winning smile.
Out comes the weed,
And I zone out for a while.

Some days are different,
they're not all the same.
Life is falling to pieces
And I've run out of people to blame

We are all guilty of feeling sorry for ourselves at one stage or another...  Nothing wrong with the occasional whinge, it does us all good but sometimes it just gets stretched to it's limit or your limit, one of the two.

If I complain to someone else and they feel sorry for me then it justifies my feelings, if I gain sympathy it can also justify my heartache.  In the same way that adrenalin junkies jump from cliffs could there be "feel sorry for me" junkies?  Who get hooked on heartache and the sympathy that follows?

Some people are bulemic for attention, they crave attention so badly, they pig-out and then they purge.  Restock the fridge with hard-luck stories, gain more sympathy then feel satisfied.... for a while at least....

You can't help circumstances and genuine sympathy is always going to be out there. Example - You broke your leg but oh no they broke their leg last year and feel compelled to tell you now.   Good for you, you got your sympathy last year and now it's my turn!! 

Do you depend on trend or pave your own way?.....  

Were you one of those kids that dreaded "free dress day" at school?  If you're Paris Hilton then awesome bring it on, you could get away with changing your outfit every hour on the hour, but what if instead of dressing to kill you're dressing to not be killed?  

On one of my first ever "free dress days"  I remember wearing my sisters brown "Blundstone" boots.  I thought I looked super cool but a few girls a year older than me had different ideas....  They thought it would be fun to back me into a corner of the girls' bathroom and spend the whole lunch hour picking on my shoes.  

More like they were actually picking on their inabilty to have the guts to be different!  

For years I marched to the beat of the "trendy" girls drum instead of creating my own rythm.  If the cool girls weren't wearing it then no way in the world was I going to.....  

Then wow I couldn't believe it, a couple of years later all of the coolest girls were wearing my earlier fashion mistake - Blundstone boots became the "in" thing!!   How smug was I feeling ;o) 

Moral of the story though, even if it hadn't of become the latest trend you should just follow your instincts and pave your own way in this world!

Spontaniously thrust into the spotlight,
Cautiously catering to your delight,
Who's turn to keep me warm tonight...?  

Finger pointing whispers surrounded the room,
Far fetched gossip I soon will consume...
Insults directed at me or at least I presume    

You held my hand and led me through,
Kept me sheltered from the critical review
I escaped inside my endless thoughts of you  

It's not my name in lights I desire,
or to be a lead singer of an orchastrated choir
It was you I wanted all along,
Would you like to dance, they're playing our song....

I'm feeling a little invaded and maybe a little bit jealous at this point in time.  

The female half of the friendly couple that we visited on the weekend has a child that goes to the local primary school "100 metres away"  so she has become one of the mummy's that I love!  Parks out the front of the house, yes next to the letterbox it's that much "out the front"  

Things just seem too bizarre....  Craig's ex house mate had a fling with one of the mummy's that I love, Craig never met her so we'll never entirely be sure that it's the same person but the sinking feeling I felt after meeting her tells me that it is....  

So why am I feeling jealous....  Well it's more a case of feeling insecure with myself I think,  we've met these people through an adult dating site and yes she's pretty even wearing pyjamas lol...  

 God Jaime get a grip on yourself, it's not like I joined an adult site to meet someone who I think is unattractive so now that I have met the "pretty" girl what the hell is my problem!!  I still don't like people parking out the front tho lol...

I am suffering with an extreme case of "de ja vous" syndrome  every time I go to say something or actually blurt it out, I'm left wondering "hmmm have I said this before"   I suppose it's normal for that to happen occasionally but with me it's happening with almost every sentence.

 This feeling is most likely a side effect from excessive drug use!!  

 I can't even get a simple letter box trip right,  you grab the mail, bring it inside and pass it to the owner of the mail.....  Well that's how it usually works but I somehow lost the mail, even a search through the bin didn't bring it back to the surface!

Took a total blow to the ego yesterday...  Tried to do the friendship thing with Craig by visiting another "couple"  who have moved into our area....  I looked super cute, denim mini skirt, pretty top and spunky make-up but while we were visiting, Craig chose to drool over the female half of this friendly couple who was dressed in fricking pyjamas!!!

I kept my cool in their presence, forced the fake smile and told Craig to grab his shit cos' we're going now!!  I've had a talk to Craig about it since then but of course he wasn't looking at anyone else but me,  *cough cough bullshit*